Harvest Rest Page 8

  “What?” he answered. “Calling back to rub it in that I’m broke? Think I deserve it after what I did to you? Do you have any idea how hard it was to ask you? You are literally my last shot. Audrey doesn’t have family. Neither of us have friends here. We—”

  She took a deep breath and then interrupted him. “Have you considered going to the bank for a temporary loan?” He’d done that before when the company he worked for had been sold to a new owner and he didn’t get paid for a month.

  “I can’t take out a loan when I have no income. I’ve already thought of all this. My credit cards are maxed. We’ve been living out here for over two months. That’s expensive.”

  “Well, you didn’t have to leave until you found a job. Didn’t she sell her house?” Karla couldn’t say his girlfriend’s name. She’d never been able to. That was too familiar, too friendly.

  “She did, but we’re saving that for a down payment. We can’t buy a house until I have a job.”

  She cut him off again. “You already spent all the money from the Tidewater?” She flinched. He wouldn’t even know the name of the house since she’d made it a bed and breakfast.

  “The what?” He sounded annoyed.

  “Our house.” She’d had to buy it from him with help from Channyon and her husband, but Rob had gotten paid for the Tidewater in the separation.

  “It’s all reinvested,” he mumbled, as if he didn’t want her to really hear what he’d said.

  “Then pull it out and use the money.” Why should she give him anything when she had so little after all he’d done? Especially since she had the kids to worry about right now and he didn’t.

  “I can’t just pull investment capital out. It’s not that easy. Look, if you can’t do a couple grand, do one. If you can’t do that, what can you do?”

  She sat down as her stomach roiled. He’d assumed that because she’d called him, she was giving in, not calling to build an impenetrable wall. With as much stress as he caused, the wall had to be like a fortress, tall and clearly defined.

  “I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. I can appreciate it because I went through the same after you left. I had no income. You left and took all but a little of the money, then later you took all that was yours and mine. I had nothing to live on but the generosity of almost strangers.”

  “Yeah, he’s not such a stranger now.” Rob snickered.

  She wasn’t sure how Rob knew she was speaking about Sawyer, but she let it pass. “But he still helped me. I didn’t call you and beg for money I knew you wouldn’t give, even though you had it.”

  Her heart raced and her palms went slick. “I worked. My sisters worked. You can too. Stop looking for jobs just like the one you had and take a lower paying job until you can find the one you want. Maybe she has to get a job too right now.”

  He made a low sound in his throat almost like a threat. “Don’t tell me what Audrey has to do. You don’t need to say anything about her.”

  Line in the sand. Wall of stone. She closed her eyes and kept her focus tight. She could do this.

  He went on, “You don’t think in terms of a resume. I do. If I take a job flipping burgers now, that ruins everything I’ve built. It means I’m willing to settle. I think you should know by now that I’m not willing to settle.”

  She wasn’t sure if he meant their marriage or if he was still talking about work, but the point hit home. “Yeah, second best was so awful. So awful that she raised your kids and kept your home. Second best cooked for you and cleaned up after you. Second best is the one you called when you were in need.” Her chest heaved under the stress. Why couldn’t she be like everyone else and just handle this kind of call?

  “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

  “Isn’t it?” She froze for a moment. “Never mind. Don’t answer that. I don’t think taking a job would wreck anything. I think it would show your commitment to survival, but if you don’t want to do that, then there are programs to help people who are genuinely in need. If you don’t want to do that, then maybe you aren’t as in need as you think.”

  “Stop acting like you’re above me. Just because I don’t want to take from charity doesn’t mean I’m not in need. You act like this is easy for me.”

  Maybe because it seemed like it was. He wasn’t doing the really uncomfortable things yet, like walking into the social services department and filling out forms for help. She’d done that when things got bad, before she’d decided to turn their house into a bed and breakfast. She’d never had to use the service because their response didn’t come until after Sawyer had helped, but she’d still sucked up her pride and done it.

  “I know it’s not easy, but you will find a way that’s not me. I don’t have any money to give.”

  “I don’t believe that. You’ve got six people living there and you own two houses. You’ve got money.”

  “I still don’t even have a car that isn’t borrowed.” From Sawyer, but again, he didn’t need to know how much Sawyer had been there for her.

  He raised his voice. “Forget it. Forget I even called.”

  He would try to run before she could set up her wall. Keeping him on the phone, for once, meant everything. “I can’t. Every time you call and make demands, I lose some of myself for a while. I can’t think of anything else except how to deal with you and put you back in that box far away. But when you call it’s like you’re right here in my living room again. And I can’t take that anymore.”

  “Are you insinuating that I don’t have a right to call? You do have my kids right now, or had you forgotten?”

  He did have a right to talk to the kids. He did have a right to tell her when he wanted them and to make arrangements with her to get them or tell her about issues involving them. But, he didn’t have a right to call and ask for things or to chat. Or whatever he would call what he was doing now.

  “Are you calling to talk about Davin and Maisy?” The thought flashed through her mind to tell him about Davin, but she doused it. That would only make him defensive and she didn’t need to deal with more of that on this call.

  “No, I’m calling because I’m in need and you were always a good person. There, did I unlock the nice Karla?”

  Her jaw hurt from clenching her teeth so hard. “No. You’re dealing with the Karla who is finished. Done. Don’t call me anymore until or unless you have something to say about the kids. Don’t call me unless they need something. You chose to leave me. You chose to sever what we had. That means you lost the right to ask me for anything regarding you and me.”

  “Until the divorce.” He hung up.

  Dang. He always got the final word.

  Chapter Ten

  On any other day, Channyon would’ve asked what was bothering Karla, because something obviously was. She’d let a coffee spill sit on the counter. All day long. It was like a test. She’d watched Karla tense every time she walked through the kitchen, staring at the spill. But then she’d leave just as quickly.

  Finally, she’d gotten up herself and wiped it up so Karla could relax. Maybe accusing her sister of being a perfectionist whenever a problem arose had been a bad idea. Now, she couldn’t loosen up. Ever. And Karla wasn’t talking. So, whatever it was, she was battling it alone. Even Sawyer seemed to be in the dark because he hadn’t been there as much as usual.

  Someone knocked on the door and since Karla was in the backyard, Channyon went to get it. Becker stood there, a friendly smile on his face and his hands stuffed in his pockets.

  “What brings you by?” Not that she didn’t know. He had no other reason to be there other than to see her.

  “I wanted to take a walk, if you want? I hear the boardwalk is the place to find the best views?”

  She sighed, appreciating his attitude and that he wasn’t pushing hard to jump right back into deep conversation once again. “It’s a little walk from here, but I’m up to it if you are.”

  He stepped back to allow her out and she joined him.
The sun was hot overhead and humidity coated her skin, leaving her feeling sticky almost immediately. They’d walked along the beach for quite some time before they stopped at a bench to take a short break.

  He rested his hands, one on each leg, as he sat next to her. On the left, the shiny gold band on his ring finger winked at her in the sunlight.

  “You’re wearing your ring.” He hadn’t been the last few times they’d met. Or she hadn’t noticed before if he had.

  “And you’re not.” He nodded at her hand, gripping the wooden bench between them.

  “I took it off when I left Missouri. Pretty much at the border.” She’d done it with resolution then, but the decision felt somewhat childish now.

  “You still have it?” He stared out over the water.

  “I do. I wouldn’t be so vindictive as to get rid of it.” Maybe that meant she’d had more hope for reconciliation than she thought. If there had been no hope at all, keeping the ring would be stupid or sentimental, two things that had never really described her.

  “Well, at least we’ve got that.”

  A small boy ran across their path and kicked up sand. Becker rubbed off his legs quickly, but she didn’t miss the deep longing in his eyes that he tried to hide. He still wanted a child, something she could never give him from herself.

  “Remember our wedding day?” She laughed, exposing more nervousness than she wanted. The day of their wedding, the judge, who had known Becker very well, had pulled a party popper out of his desk and sent confetti flying over them as they’d finished the ceremony.

  Becker laughed. “Johnson was a bulldog in the courtroom, but to compensate, he was the friendliest guy outside of it. We had drinks together on many occasions after a long day. I’m glad he was the one to make us legal.” He slowly reached out and took her hand.

  “Remember the day you asked me if I could move in with you and your sisters instead of you coming to live with me?”

  She’d feared that conversation so much. Who in their right mind would want to be newly wed and living with adult sisters? She’d considered so many ways of asking him and in the end, had just blurted out the request. Which turned out to be “just like her” according to Becker.

  “I do. You made it much easier than it would’ve been with anyone else.”

  He laughed. “Well, I had an idea the question was coming. You didn’t do much of anything without running it by them and then there was the hurt over Karla leaving. So, I knew they were—at the very least—going to be a big part of our lives.”

  “But to buy a house where we could all live… It was so much more than we ever expected.” He’d offered to sell their tiny house where they’d all shared the room that had originally been the dining room, since it was big enough. Then, he’d used the little bit from the sale of that home and plenty of his own money to buy a huge house on the edge of town.

  Aryn had a garden there. Sonica had cooked mouthwatering cakes and pies. And Channyon had loved her husband and taken long walks around the house with him in the evening. They’d lived their dream lives for four years.

  But then they’d started trying to have children and the dream had ended.

  “It was a wonderful house. I was sad to see it go. But without you, there was no reason to keep it.” The pressure on her fingers increased just a little.

  Part of her wanted to shout that she was sorry for leaving. They both misunderstood each other, and they both deserved to hear and feel an apology. He’d said his, but hers stuck in her throat. Once she told him she was sorry for leaving, didn’t that mean she had to accept him back? Was she ready for that?

  “A house is a house. It can be replaced. I’m here now.” Though the decision to stay permanently hadn’t been made yet.

  “That’s very true. And a man can move where he’s needed. Or wanted.” His brows rose as he glanced at her, offering her an easy acceptance.

  “I’m working on it. This isn’t just something we can state and move on. Maybe you can, but I can’t. I left. Doesn’t that make you…mad?” Deep down, that was what she’d been dealing with. Not just hurt, but anger. More than she’d ever faced, even when her sister had been assaulted.

  “My anger was overshadowed a little. I missed you. I missed talking with you. When I was consumed with our plans to have a child, it was fully consuming. I thought about how my morning rituals would change. I thought about taking them to school. I thought about pushing them on the swing. Every moment of my life, except for some of the more intense times at work, were spent thinking about a future child.”

  Before she’d gotten the dreaded diagnosis, she’d been the same. Every day she’d hope and console herself by watching children at the park or she’d go for a walk through the baby section at a local store.

  After the diagnosis, she’d stopped all of that. She only ovulated rarely and her doctor told her pregnancy would be nearly impossible without fertility treatments that she hadn’t even had time to consider before Becker did the unthinkable. He hadn’t listened, or so she’d thought. He still wanted to cling to hope. That was where they’d first branched off. He still had those dreams, but hers had been dashed.

  But their dreams had, at one time, been the same. He hadn’t gone through the torture of the diagnosis with her. He hadn’t allowed himself to really understand what it meant. Or maybe he had and just held onto the dream even tighter, but had found new ways to explore it, like with her sister as a surrogate.

  “I had those dreams once, too,” she said. “I wanted them so badly. But I wanted, and still want, my own child. I guess that makes me selfish.”

  He shook his head and lifted her hand to his lap where he wrapped both hands around hers, cradling it. “It’s not selfish to want your own, I don’t think. But I also think there is a time when you have to decide if having your own is the end of the discussion. Or, is the ultimate goal to have a child, even if that child isn’t yours by blood? To give them all the things you dreamed about?”

  Channyon wished she could sound altruistic like Becker, but she’d never really entertained the idea of adoption. Maybe her grief had just never let her get close enough to healed to let go of enough hurt for that type of thought.

  “Is that what you want? You want to adopt a child?”

  He shook his head and took a deep breath. “Not without you. That isn’t even close to my dream. If this was always and only about bringing a child into my life, I never would’ve had to marry. I know how to adopt. I have the money. I know where I could go right now to start the process. I don’t want a child. I want a family.”

  She bit her lip hard to keep it from quivering. She hadn’t cried a day in her life since she was eighteen. Not even when Mom and Dad died. She’d had to be strong for the others and tears just made her eyes red. But with Becker’s stated need, she had to blink them back.

  “I’m guessing that family includes me.” Her heart felt huge and heavy in her chest. What if she followed him down this path and they ended up confused and hurt again? What if they couldn’t adopt. What if he wanted her to leave her sisters?

  “Absolutely. There’s no other woman for me out there.”

  In that strange moment she knew it was true. Sonica couldn’t make him happy. She was too melodramatic, too young. She was trustworthy, but not the woman Becker needed. Looking at it from that perspective made any affair seem ludicrous, but she hadn’t looked at it from his side before. She’d looked at it as a woman who loved Becker—of course her sister would want the man she loved, but an affair took two.

  The words fell from her mouth as dry as she felt. “You really never were interested in Sonica, were you?” How had she not seen it before?

  He caught her gaze and held it. “Never. I know it’s semantics, but I never would’ve slept with her, even if we had decided to go that route. Neither of us have any desire to do that.”

  Channyon realized she owed Sonica an apology as much as she owed Becker. “I’m sorry. This has been such a mess. I bl
amed both of you for an affair. Even if it never happened, it felt like it did mentally, like you wanted to, and that was enough to feel…” She swallowed the word.

  “Like it had actually happened,” he finished for her. “We can drop that line of thought right now. I don’t ever want this to come between us again. I know we have a long way to go, but I feel like we’re getting closer every time we talk.”

  And there would be more talk before she was able to willingly kiss him again. Before she would willingly live with him again. Before she would willingly lie next to him again. Even though, oddly, the desire for him was still there. She just couldn’t see herself acting on it yet. Not without the pain of rejection. Even knowing it hadn’t happened.

  Becker helped Channyon stand and fought the urge to hold her again like he wanted. The guarded look in her eyes said she wasn’t ready for that yet, but he hoped she would be soon. If he loved her, and he did, he could wait until she wanted to join him.

  At least, after today, they were talking about the future, not just the past. They had to work through it, but before, he hadn’t seen the roadblocks. He hadn’t noticed her side of the story and that pained him. He was good at reading people and listening. But with his own wife, he’d failed.

  “Do you think there’s a chance, ever, that you’ll wear that ring again?”

  He felt her flex her fingers where he held them. “I would say so. I want to. I’m just not sure yet. I’m still so scarred and scared, if I’m honest.”

  He couldn’t blame her. Channyon had never run from a problem before. She’d been the strongest woman he’d ever known. She was willing to sit with a problem and not deal with it, but he never thought she’d run. She had to have been in a world of hurt for her to step outside her normal way of dealing with pain.

  “I’m not pushing you to do it, or even asking when. I just want to know there’s still hope. I don’t want to stay here if there isn’t. At that point, I’m just harassing you. That’s not what I want.”