The Rosewood Diary Page 13

  My heart is giving out. I haven’t told anyone, but the doctor says I have less than one year. The worst thing is, I don’t have anyone I am close enough with to tell. There are only a few who I would like to be close to and if they didn’t care, I would be crushed.

  I hinted to Mom and Dad that I was seeing the cardiologist again and their response was that I should keep an eye on my health and let them know if anything changes. They didn’t even offer to come. I should be shocked, but I’m not.

  She considered Ryla’s words and the wounds from the earlier diaries. Mom and Dad hadn’t said they wouldn’t come, they just didn’t offer to. They probably assumed if she wanted them there, she would ask. Ryla was an adult and sometimes having family who insisted on coming would be more stressful than having no help at all. Mom would’ve assumed that. The perspective shift was painful, especially since deep down Quin had known how they would react, and she could’ve helped Ryla deal with her hurt. But she hadn’t known.

  I’ve considered telling Quin. I miss her so much. She was my only close and dear friend. But she seems to have moved beyond me. She is above me, out of my stratosphere and I can’t seem to call her back to Earth no matter how much I call or text. My messages are a burden to her. For that, I feel guilty. While I was angry with her over Alex, I separated us. When I forgave her…what we had was gone.

  You never get a chance to truly take back words and actions. Even forgiveness doesn’t always heal wounds. The mind never fully forgets.

  Ryla had forgiven…? From the moment she’d read about Alex and the pain Ryla had gone through alone, she’d held the guilt on her shoulders. The guilt she was sure would never go away because she would never have forgiveness.

  If I could go back and do this life over again, I would reach out more. I would try harder. I wouldn’t let what I was sure others thought of me—based on what I thought my parents thought of me—stop me from being who I was supposed to be. Then I would have friends to call instead of a house and rabbit to worry about.

  I’ve got an attic full of canvas that will never have a home.

  No home. Ryla hadn’t known what to do with them, which meant Quin would have to decide. How could she sell, donate, or give away so many paintings when Ryla was virtually unheard of? She couldn’t just leave them in the attic. That would be a waste and would probably lead to them being thrown away. That would be selfish again, because it was more of what she’d done before, not deal with a problem.

  When Ryla had hinted at Quin’s selfishness, she was referring to her own loneliness. There had been too much time and thought spent on herself. Though it was obvious she also thought Quin had taken after their parents at least in some ways.

  Someone knocked on the door. “Quin?” Paxton’s voice came from the other side. “I’ve got Duggy.”

  She flinched that he felt he needed to explain why he was there. Once again, she’d pushed people away. When would she ever learn? Quin rushed to the door, turned the lock, and vowed to leave it open for him for as long as she was there. “Sorry. I was just…” How to explain to him how she felt when she read Ryla’s diaries? “Spending time with my sister.”

  He held a small pet carrier with the sweet brown bunny inside. His ears were covered in sand and he frankly looked like he might be pouting.

  “I imagine you needed to when this guy got away. I found him trying to dig a tunnel in the sand. It caved in as he tried to dig. Judging by the channel he had dug, he’d been trying for a while. Made it easier to catch him since he was distracted.” He handed her the pet carrier.

  “Want to come in for a minute?” She didn’t grab the crate right away and stepped back to let him in.

  “Sure.” He set Duggy just inside the door as he stepped inside.

  “Can I wash him?” She didn’t know if that was even a thing people did and it seemed like a stupid question to ask.

  “You can run his paws under some warm water to get the sand out, so he doesn’t eat it. For his ears…maybe a damp washcloth? Ryla told me you don’t want water to get in them.” He shoved his hands in his pockets.

  “That’s a good idea. Paxton, I’m sorry for saying all that down at the beach. I let my imagination go where it shouldn’t, and my mouth followed. Maybe I’m guilty of doing that a lot, when I don’t even realize it.”

  “Seemed like you were pretty sure I had it in for you.” He took a step back and frowned.

  She licked her lips then launched into what her heart wanted to say. “But I’m not. You always have the answers. I’ve known that since the moment I met you, and I’m finding out that I don’t have the answers like I thought. I’m finding I know so much less.” These lessons would’ve been so much easier over coffee with her real, breathing sister. If she’d only made time while there still was some. Thank goodness Ryla thought ahead to leave her words.

  “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself.” He finally approached her. “I am who I am. I don’t play fake around people. I take charge and maybe order people around because that’s in my nature and it makes me a pretty good nurse.” He shrugged. “I guess people have to take me or leave me.”

  She wanted to do all the learning Ryla seemed to require of her on her own, but she’d also said to reach out to people. “I think I’ll take you…that is, if you’ll still have me. I can be kind of independent and solitary. I like to lock myself away for long periods of time and not surface. I’ve never had anyone care that I don’t leave my apartment for days though.”

  He rested his hands on her hips as he gently drew her closer. “What if you considered not going back? Just considered it? You can still choose not to, but open your mind to the idea. Then you don’t have to decide on the art, you don’t have to sell Ryla’s house, and you’d be close to Karla.”

  “And you.” She pointed out and couldn’t help but laugh because he would be a pretty big reason for considering what he had to say.

  “Well, I wasn’t going to mention it, but now that you did…” He wrapped his arms around her.

  She let herself relax in his embrace and everything felt right for just a few moments. It was like a window open in the spring for the first time after a long winter. “Thank you, Paxton. Like always, you’ve given just the right advice. I can’t promise that I’ll stay. Staying scares me too. But I will consider it.”

  “Good.” He kissed her forehead. “I’m going to leave you to take care of your errant bunny. I’m taking a random night-shift, which was why I was home to help find him. I’ll talk to you more tomorrow.”

  She nodded and picked up Duggy’s carrier. “I’ll get this returned to you. Why do you even have this?” She held up the carrier. He hadn’t had a cat when she’d been over there.

  “I used to have a chihuahua when I got out of med school. He never acclimated to my weird hours, so my sister took him. She’s home all the time and he loves it there with her. He’s now an old man and has a sherpa bed on the floor and sweaters that he picks out every day.”

  She couldn’t imagine a dog happy about getting dressed, but she didn’t know dogs well enough to say anything. “Maybe Duggy would like a sweater?” She laughed.

  “I think he’d eat it.” Paxton headed for the door. “May I suggest you finish those diaries tonight? If you’re in a hurry to leave, you’ll feel more relaxed about deciding when to go if you do.”

  “More good advice.” She waved as he closed the door behind him.

  Before she could think about the last of the diaries, she had to get Duggy cleaned off. He’d track sand all over the house if she didn’t.

  “Mister, you’d better be done with your roaming. You scared me to death.” And Paxton had stepped in to save the day.

  She opened the crate and Duggy stared at her with his big, unblinking dark eyes. He seemed contrite and she scooped him out of the crate and into the kitchen sink since it had a catch. After rinsing his feet and wiping his ears with a damp towel, he was sufficiently done with her. He thumped in the sink, splashing
water all over her front to let her know.

  “Fine. We’re done for now, but you’re stuck with me, Mister.” And maybe she wasn’t as sad about it as she thought she’d be.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Duggy slowly hopped through the house, checking every room, then found his way back to Quin’s side where she sat on the living room floor. So many decisions had to be made, yet all she could do was sit and stare at Ryla’s painting. Everything about her was there if the person pondering knew what to look for.

  In the background, very distant, was a dark ocean scene, just before a storm full of deep blues and greens. A slight smile and the composition as a whole, making herself appear like the Mona Lisa, was so like Ryla’s subtle humor. The ever-present Duggy, a nod to her one close friend. The black robe, a hint at the knowledge of her own death to come. Good art told a story and Ryla’s did. There wasn’t a single piece Quin wanted to give up. But that was selfish.

  Paxton popped his head in the front door. “Is it safe?”

  Duggy didn’t even move from his spot by her leg where the sun shone down in a bright patch. “I think you’re good. Come on in.”

  He crouched then sat in front of the sofa. “Anything new in the diary?”

  She hadn’t looked last night like she should’ve. The whole evening, she’d brushed and talked to Duggy. He’d been the most spoiled bunny and her attention had worked. Today, he didn’t let her out of his sight. “I guess I took an evening off. Mom and Dad were right, I should move on if that’s what I’m going to do. I can’t just leave my apartment indefinitely and I can’t pay for both places forever. But both options have benefits and drawbacks.”

  “What is your main reason for wanting to return?” As usual, when he wanted her real opinion on something, he didn’t give away at all what he wanted her to say. His face was welcoming, warm, and devoid of pressure.

  “My job is the biggest one. Now that my publicist is gone, I have no one there to market my work. I’ll need to find a new one or pound the pavement myself to sell my art. Most people can’t live on an artist’s salary. I can’t live in two places for sure.”

  “But could you do your art here and call people? Or do you have to be physically in New York to sell your art?” Again, he tilted his head and asked the question as someone who genuinely wanted to know, not as if he were angling for one answer over another.

  “I don’t know. If I lived here, I’d probably have to ship pieces instead of just hand-delivering them to galleries where they sell them.” That alone would be a major cut into her profits.

  “Could you sell them here at Mike’s?”

  “He sells art?” She hadn’t considered the guy who’d framed Ryla’s portrait. He might not be able to sell hers, but maybe Ryla’s. People nearby would love her seascapes.

  “Yes. He’s no art studio but does have room for paintings.”

  Maybe he wasn’t a studio, but if he had clients who liked art, he could put together a show for Ryla’s work. A show would bring more people and might sell most of the paintings. Quin could take the money and send it to a charity for heart conditions…

  “Why do I get the feeling you’re not listening to me?” He laughed.

  “I’m sorry. I just have a lot of ideas.”

  “Hopefully one of them is how much you want to stay here.”

  She sighed and slowly pet Duggy’s back. “I do want to stay, but I don’t think it’s possible. One small store where they sell some prints isn’t going to be enough to earn a living. Even if expenses are less here, I’d also have to charge much less because this isn’t New York. Ryla left me what she had, but it was pretty depleted after her treatment.”

  Quin had thought about the numbers that morning and both options would be hard. But New York was more of a sure bet because she had clients there. “I have to go back. I don’t want to lose you and Karla, but I don’t see how I can feasibly stay.” If she were ten years younger and could easily make a career change, the decision would be a lot easier.

  “I understand. I’m glad you’ve taken time to think about it.”

  Not just the costs, there were other issues. When she’d been spending time with Duggy, she’d been thinking about how he would fit in her apartment. Her life couldn’t just stop. Mom and Dad had a point, everything she needed to live the life she did before was in New York. “How am I going to tell Karla?”

  “Gently, that’s the only way to break bad news.” He leaned forward. “Take it from an expert.”

  She laughed since he was poking fun at their last conversation. “I know. It just seems like she’s losing so much. I almost feel like I shouldn’t have tried so hard to be her friend when I’m just going to pull up my little roots and leave.”

  “A friend is still a friend even far away. It’s not like you can’t talk.” He shrugged.

  “What about you? How do you feel about this?” A long-distance relationship would be hard. Paxton owned his house, so he wasn’t going to simply sell and move just for her.

  “I don’t know. I’m guessing that you don’t make enough to travel a lot. I get three weeks of vacation a year. I suppose I could try to drive up and see you. It’s probably only a ten- or so hour drive.”

  “More like eight.” She’d made the drive a few times.

  “See, I could do that. I could leave here at five in the morning and be there by one or two in the afternoon, depending on the stops. It’s possible.”

  She loved that he sounded hopeful and was trying to figure out a way to make it work. The more she considered leaving, the more hopeless she felt.

  “Go see her. If you’ve decided, she’ll want to know.”

  Had she decided? She’d made it sound like she had, but her doubts still remained. Without her two friends, she’d be completely alone in New York. Ben wouldn’t be there for her anymore and there hadn’t been anyone else who wasn’t superficial. Living a solitary life in the big city was easy. People were too suspicious of everyone to make connections.

  “I know you’re right. I’m just not looking forward to telling her. I wish I could just take both of you with me.”

  Paxton stood and helped her up off the floor, then kissed her forehead. She wanted more from him. More than just a kiss, but not if she was leaving. That wasn’t fair to either of them.

  “You know we can’t do that. Karla has to stay here so her kids can be close to their dad. He hasn’t treated her very well, or so I’ve recently heard, but he does treat the kids pretty great. Hopefully, that won’t change. It would if they didn’t get to see him though.”

  Quin would never want to split up a family any more than they already were. “I know. I guess I am selfish, just like Ryla said. I want to have my cake and eat it too.”

  “Everyone does. You’re not the only person in the world who wants a perfect life where they don’t have to make hard choices. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He led her to the door and opened it.

  She hadn’t noticed the soft rain outside, just a mist really, making the ocean a deep gray with frothy waves. The rain was so tiny she couldn’t even see the individual drops. It was more like walking through a fog.

  “You know where you’re heading?” He closed the door behind him.

  “I think so. She lives on the other side of your house, right?”

  He walked her down the front steps. “Yes. Rob just took the kids this morning for the day. He wanted to take them out to play some game on his phone where you walk all over and find things.”

  “Didn’t he just take them all weekend? Isn’t that hard on her to have him just take them all the time?” She hoped he wasn’t trying to turn the kids against Karla, she’d heard of some spouses doing things like that.

  “It’s summer and I’m sure they’ll have more strict rules about visitation once the divorce goes through. Karla doesn’t want it. She wants to try and work everything out, that’s why she’s being so giving with the time he wants to spend with the kids.”

  D
oubts laid heavy on her heart. “Just how much have you talked with her? You seem to know everything that’s going on over there.”

  He smiled his brief half-mouth lift. “Don’t worry, Quin. There’s nothing between me and Karla. I only know everything because I’m friends with both her and Rob. I’ll come over later. We can watch a movie and I’ll make supper. I don’t want to miss any evenings with you if you’re leaving.”

  She didn’t want to miss a single minute with him either. “Sounds good. I’ll be here.” After talking to Karla, she would probably be hiding in Ryla’s room with tissues and lots of dreams. Dreams that she could stay near the beach with her friends.

  She passed Paxton’s house and went up the sidewalk to Karla’s. It had a look as though people rarely used that door. There was no mat or anything inviting. She knocked softly and waited.

  Karla opened it, then smiled. “Quin, nice to see you outside!” She glanced behind her, then stepped outside. “Let’s go walk on the beach.”

  Quin eyed the sky. “In the rain?”

  “Sure, it’s cool and nice. Much better than being cooped up inside.”

  She didn’t want to question her new friend, especially when she was already going through so much, but this seemed very strange. “Do you want to come on over to my place? It’s no trouble.” Quin motioned back toward Rosewood House.

  “No, that’s totally fine. Let’s walk.” Karla was overly cheery, fake, and blinked rapidly like she was seconds away from tears.

  Quin followed her to the beach and they strode along in silence for a few steps. She wasn’t quite sure how to bring up leaving.

  “I’m going to have to figure out something to do with the house,” Karla blurted the words like she’d been holding them back for too long.

  “What do you mean? I thought you wanted to stay there?” This wasn’t the direction she’d wanted to go with the conversation, but since she didn’t start it, she couldn’t take it over now.